One-on-One Writing Program

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OnLine Writing Lesson Sample 1

Topic : Who do you think should have been the leader and why? What kind of qualities do you think a leader should have?

1)During this chapter, Holden fooled around with Pheobe until their parents barged into the room (what do you mean by "fooled around"? try to use more exact language.). Holden had to make haste and leave the house. (2)Holden and Pheobe get(Verb Tense - see rule below) along really well, which was shown during most of the chapter.
(1)Unlike most other people, Holden talked really kindly towards his sister. (2)When Holden came back to Pheobe's room, Holden came up with the idea of dancing together. Holden said that it felt strange dancing with a relative but Pheobe's (Verb Tense - see rule below) such a good dancer that Holden negated the oddity. If Holden and Pheobe didn't get along well, then they probably wouldn't have danced together. Holden complimented on Pheobe's dancing on two occations(Spelling - see rule below) during this part of the chapter. Pheobe was especially kind to Holden when she decided to give Holden her Christmas money. Although Holden refused, Pheobe inisted on him (his) taking the money. The past references of the personality of Stradlater and Ackley was a non generous feeling (Awkward/Clumsy Phrasing - see rule below). Stradlater and Ackley would never let Holden borrow some money, which makes Pheobe a kind sibling towards Holden(Awkward/Clumsy Phrasing - see rule below). (3)Closing Sentence is blank.
Overall, compared to the other people Holden has been seeing, Pheobe was the most generous.



EDITING KEY:
Strikeout = delete your word, phrase, or punctuation
(blue parenthetical) = add my word, phrase, or punctuation
(red parenthetical) = my comments and notes


Verb Tense: You must maintain a logical sequence of verb tenses in your essay. It is acceptable to switch between verb tenses in certain instances, but ONLY when it makes sense. More often than not, however, it will not make sense to switch between verb tenses.
INCORRECT: Bob went to the store because he is hungry.
CORRECT: Bob went to the store because he was hungry.


Spelling: Yes, spelling does matter! It is a crucial part of writing essays, just like being able to read notes is a basic yet crucial part of playing music. Do not rely on spell-check or guessing for spelling. Also, make sure that the word you have written is the word you intend to use. Sometimes, two words can have similar spellings, but very different meanings.
INCORRECT: The rebellious boy was scolded for having such an imprudent attitude.
CORRECT: The rebellious boy was scolded for having such an impudent attitude.



Awkward/Clumsy Phrasing: Poor phrasing often comes as a result of trying to express an idea in an illogical fashion, or trying to express too many unrelated ideas in one sentence. Often times, this can be avoided by writing two or more smaller sentences, or by simply rewording the basic structure of the one sentence you are trying to write.
INCORRECT: What the boy did to the girl at the bus stop was wrong, and besides, she should have studied hard for the English test anyway, because it's always good to listen to your mom.
CORRECT: What the boy did to the girl at the bus stop was wrong. Even though she disobeyed her mother and didn't study for the English test, she did not deserve to be picked on like that.

Teacher's Comments

You should be careful about your usage of prepositions. A few times, you created awkward sounding expressions by misusing prepositions with particular words. For instance, you should say "conflict about" and not "conflict on". Also, you might want to start your essay off with a slightly more focused statement. Currently, your topic sentence does not do a good job of introducing your essay. Remember, state what you intend to write, and write what you intend to say. Otherwise, this is a good essay that addresses the essay prompt more than sufficiently.

OnLine Writing Sample 2

Chapter nine represents a turning point in the novel: the murder that Tom and Huck witness breaks the sense of innocence and wholesomeness that has, until then, enveloped the small-town life of St. Petersburg (excellent topic sentence). The tone of the chapter reflects this sense of gloom. Twain's description of the night is ominous (awkward usage of "ominous") of what is to happen: (you don't need a colon here - start a new sentence or use a semi colon) everything is "dismally still," the night is dark, and Tom begins to notice the eerie stillness. This incident builds up a feeling of anxiety by focusing on details and using very simple syntax at the start of the chapter, describing the ticking of the clock, the creaking stairs, Aunt Polly's muffled snore, and various other noises of the night.
(1)Later that night, after Sid has fallen asleep, Tom waits for Huck's "meow" as the signal (you don't need to quote here).
(2) About to succumb to slumber, Huck finally arrives and gives the signal and Tom becomes wide-awake, climbs out the window, off the roof, and runs off to the town graveyard. The "old-fashioned Western" (again, this is not a necessary quote) style graveyard is about a mile-and-a-half (no need to hyphenate here) away from town, with overgrown grass and an eerie wind. The two boys hide themselves among a cluster of elm trees, just a few feet away from Hoss Williams (who had just been buried) waiting for the spirits to come at midnight. After remaining in the same spot for quite some time, the boys finally hear the sound of muffled voices from the other end of the graveyard, confident that devils are approaching them (try not to put together so many dependent clauses in one sentence). But to their surprise, they recognize the voices as the figures come closer and closer! (no need to use an exclamation point) The voices belong to Old Muff Potter - (use a comma instead of a hyphen) the town drunk, "that murderin' half-breed" Injun Joe, and young Dr. Robinson. By the light of their lantern, Tom and Huck make out what appears to be a grave robbery. Injun Joe and Potter dig up the coffin and remove the body as Dr. Robinson directs them. Just as the corpse is placed in a wheelbarrow, Muff Potter demands more money from the doctor, who refuses to pay any more. Injun Joe intervenes(,) threatening the doctor with his fists. "You done more than [pay us]," says Joe, recalling how five years ago Dr. Robinson had turned the Injun away from his door when he was asking for food. With revenge on his mind, Injun Joe shouts:(use a comma, not a colon) "And now I've got you, and you got to settle, you know!" Dr. Robinson is quick to strike Injun Joe to the ground, after which Muff Potter tackles the doctor to the ground. The doctor flings himself free and strikes Potter unconscious with (the) heavy headboard of the grave. Seeing his chance, Injun Joe grabs the knife Potter had dropped during struggle and stabs the doctor in the chest. As the fatally wounded doctor falls over Potter, Huck and Tom run away in fright. "That score is settled," says Injun Joe as he robs the doctor's body and then places the bloodied knife in Potter's (who is still unconscious) open hand. When Potter comes to, Injun Joe acts as if it is Potter who has stabbed young Robinson to death. Convinced that he has murdered the doctor, Muff Potter begs Injun Joe not to disclose the events of the night, and the chapter closes with the empty graveyard.
(3)Closing Sentence is blank.



Similarly, one can draw meaning out of Tom's and Huck's mistaken assumption that the figures approaching them in the graveyard were devils. Ironically, the grown men become more frightening than any devil or witch in that they haunt Tom's conscience and thoughts. Even young Dr. Robinson, who was the victim of Injun Joe, was guilty of grave robbery. Twain effectively portrays human nature as fully capable of evil, a pessimism that is present in many of his other works


KEY:
stikeout = delete text/phrase
(blue parentheticals) = add text/phrase
(red parentheticals) = comments and notes

Teacher's Comments

This is a well-written essay with virtually no grammatical or spelling errors. You open up with a strong topic sentence, but your essay does not support this topic sentence as fully as it could. Be careful not to delve into to much plot summary. You write very well, but it seems as if you got caught up in recounting what happened in the book instead of explaining WHY Tom's sense of "innocence and wholesomeness" falls apart. This should be the main purpose of your essay. State to the reader EXPLICITLY why the events you discuss show a loss of "innocence and wholesomeness." Also, be careful not to quote excessively. Do not quote individual words from the text unless it's necessary. Make sure your quotes are carefully chosen and are used to expound upon a specific point of your essay. Do not use them to prove that you read the book or to make your plot summary more authentic. Lastly, you may want to take a look at some rules regarding commas, colons, semicolons, and hyphens. These types of punctuation are sophisticated, and you do well to use them in your writing, but your usage is not always accurate.